Emotional Changes

It seems as more time goes by I realize the changes I've gone through, not only in my appearance but in my personality.

It's now been 10 months since the surgery. Some people who are considering the surgery may have questions about what to expect emotionally. Although it will differ for everyone, I feel that if I share my experiences, perhaps it will give a hint of what could be.

Before the surgery, I was an outgoing person but I felt trapped. I loved talking to people but there were times I would judge myself before they got the chance to and I would shut down. I felt that people were constantly judging me. My friends at times would interrupt my conversations and talk over me like I wasn't there. It was difficult when I did leave the house to go places with the kids. I had to talk myself into everything I did. I loved the beach but it was a nightmare of humiliation for me. The amusement parks were torcher. I loved the coasters but I was too big to ride. I stayed away from friends, people who once meant the world to me because I was ashamed of what I had become on the outside. My life was boring and full of doubt and hope for the future. I felt like I had no life. I certainly didn't feel like I had any quality of life.

So much has changed. It is hard to keep up with everything at times. The loss happened so fast that I think I'm still getting used to the new me. I have a great deal more confidence which has allowed me to enjoy going places with my teen boys without feeling like an embarrassment to them. Their friends interact with me and treat me with respect. I've recently ridden the coasters and was grateful to be able to remember how much I enjoyed them. We have had spur of the moment friend gatherings that are amazing. I feel like I can finally relax in my own skin and be myself. Even family gatherings bring less anxiety. I don't have to talk myself into going somewhere, I just go. I don't have to worry about finding the nearest parking spot or how far I'll have to walk to get to where I'm going. Eliminating all those thoughts and fears have been the greatest weight lost. It frees up time and room for healthier self talk. When I'm with those same friends, they don't talk over me or cut me off. I have their respect and what I have to say seems to matter more. I know that's wrong of people to do that but it's how people are. I treat myself better and respect myself more which has made a huge difference. I feel like I am even more outgoing and I have been able to reconnect with my old friends with confidence and actually enjoy myself without judging myself or expecting others to do the same.

I feel like the person I was as a teenager. My personality is back and I look forward to each day instead of dreading it.

The physical aspects that have changed have also given me confidence. I recently ran up 3 flights of stairs and was not out of breath. These were the same 3 flights of stairs that I used to have to stop on 3/4 of the way to the top because I couldn't breathe and my chest felt like it was on fire. That is not just a physical change. Imagine the emotional high that gave me!

I am happier, I stick up for myself when I need to without feeling guilty, I love more, I play more, I respect myself more.

It has been an amazing journey and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It has given me my life back.

I still have moments where I forget that I am this renewed person. I still have anxiety and feel like people judge me but it is few and far between compared to the minute by minute feelings I used to have.

Life is good.